Tough Talk: Choosing Understanding Over Defending

Not long ago, someone asked to share some feedback with me about the way I had communicated with them. I knew real quick this was about to be a tough talk in real time. I was going to need to choose understanding over defending.

Let me tell you—it wasn’t easy.

It was one of those moments where everything in me wanted to explain myself. To clarify what I meant. To walk them back through my intentions so they could see I wasn’t trying to be hurtful or dismissive. But that’s the challenge with tough conversations, isn’t it?

It’s not just what’s being said—it’s what rises up inside you when it’s being said.

And what rose up in me that day was the urge to defend. I needed to choose to listen over defend.

I had to make a conscious decision: Was I going to listen to respond, or was I going to listen to understand?

Because here’s the hard truth—sometimes people offer feedback because they genuinely care about you. They want to help you grow, protect the relationship, or fight for your highest good. But sometimes, people offer feedback because it makes their life easier. It’s more about resolving a tension they’re feeling than about helping you grow through it.

That’s what makes these conversations even trickier.

You don’t always know the motive. And if you’re not careful, that uncertainty will become a wall that keeps you from hearing anything at all. But if you’re only willing to receive feedback from people whose motives are perfectly pure… you may never grow. I had to ask myself: Even if this isn’t being delivered perfectly… is there something true I need to hear?

That shift—from defending to discerning—took the emotional edge off the moment.

And it reminded me that growth doesn’t come from comfort. It comes from humility.

So what do we do when we’re in the middle of a tough talk?

Here are 3 practical takeaways that helped me—and might help you too:

1. Capture your thoughts! There will be an immediate response. It may be quick or it may start to build. You MUST take it captive and not let it run rampant. Take a deep breath if you have to. Just don't say anthing. Just listen with open ears.

2. Name the pull to defend. Just recognizing your own internal resistance is powerful. When you feel the urge to correct or justify, pause. Remind yourself: “I don’t have to explain right now. I need to understand.”

3. Ask follow-up questions before forming a rebuttal. Whether their motives are self-serving or sincere, don’t assume—ask. “Can you help me understand what made you feel that way?” opens up dialogue and earns clarity.

4. Acknowledge the tension. Let them know you appreciate thier willingness to have the conversation. Regardless of thier motive, the conversation probably needed to happen if it's become a point of contention for them. The conversation will bring clarity to your future engagement with them.

5. Tell them what you heard them say. They need to know you understand what they are trying to communicate. When you finish, add, "Is that what you're saying?"

6. Circle back later if needed. You don’t have to have the perfect response in the moment. You can say, “I need some time to process this. Can we revisit it later?” Sometimes growth needs a little space.

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Tough conversations will always carry tension. You might question the motive. You might want to defend. But if you can resist the urge to protect your ego and instead lean into understanding—even if just a little—you’ll walk away stronger, wiser, and more relationally grounded.

I’m learning to sit in the tension. Maybe you are too.

And that’s where the growth happens.